Yeah, "And how's your mother keeping?" she asks,
and their Bett says, "She's keeping away, and you can't ask for more than that!"
Who's that?
It's him from next door.
Not him! Who's she?
I've no idea.
Oh, don't say that.
She'll never be able to sleep.
It's no business of mine who he's with.
I know that,
but how are you going to find out?
I'll ask him.
I don't believe in being sneaky.
Oh, what about his right to privacy?
I don't believe in that much, either.
You look at the world and sometimes you think,
"Where did it all come from?"
I think the butler did it.
On guard!
MAKES FIGHTING NOISES
Oi!
Well, get the kettle on, then.
Get your own kettle on. I haven't time to be serving passing lunatics.
I live here. I'm not passing.
Something else to look forward to.
We wouldn't lie to you, Mrs Batty,
we're hopelessly addicted to your fruitcake.
So that's three teas, with milk, no sugar.
You don't deserve any fruitcake.
You know what Confucius used to say -
"Man without fruitcake is like bird without tree."
I thought that was Entwistle.
Confucius got that from Entwistle?
That's amazing. You get dafter, you lot.
You can but try. Didn't I see you in the street this morning?
You see how she keeps an eye on me?
You weren't alone, I noticed. Oh...you saw her, did you?
I expect she's not from round here.
Ah, but she might be soon. Oh, like that, is it?
Not just a casual acquaintance.
My lips are sealed.
Well, I'm sure it's of no interest to me.
Um...who was this woman?
A cousin on me mam's side.
Nora thinks there's more to it than that. Then we ought to lead her on a bit. Possibly a lot.
Don't be wicked. Serves her right for being nosey.
She was raised nosey. They all were.
They kept an eye on one other, and it kept the place tidy.
They hardly needed a police force.
Go on, then! Let's be wicked. TEACUPS CLATTER
That's three no sugars and a piece each,
and I don't want crumbs all over the yard.
Well, only slightly wicked.
She never looks at me. I mean, REALLY looks.
Sounds reasonable to me.
It's...disconcerting when you're supposed to be close.
Well, it's because you're close that she doesn't look at you.
You don't when you're living together.
It's nature's way of reducing stress.
People who care look deep into each other's eyes.
There you go, Howard. I knew you were going to start getting embarrassing.
I bet your wife used to look deep into your eyes.
Once, when I got some grit in it.
Do you ever read the personal ads?
I always do,
and I saw this one yesterday.
"Cutey Pie,
"your Golden Boy is available.
"We should meet.
"Reply via these personal ads."
Cutey Pie? Who's this Golden Boy?
I'm wondering if it might be him.
Howard? I know, but they do get carried away.
Howard as Golden Boy?! That's really getting carried away.
It might be worth checking. It might be worth forgetting.
I'd love to catch him out.
I can understand that.
Aghhhh!
Aghh!
Whoa-a-a!
CHUCKLING
It's a while since we did that.
Yes, and now I can understand why.
Oh, my left knee says, "Don't do that again."
What does your right knee say?
Nothing. I think it's sulking.
You should listen to your left knee.
It knows what it's talking about.
Maybe if you trained it, it could tell fortunes.
I couldn't do with strangers consulting my knee.
Depends how much it charged.
No. You know what people are like.
They'd come at inconvenient times.
They'd have me rolling me trouser leg up at all hours.
Tha's breathing heavy, Howard.
The name's Wilkinson.
Give our regards to MRS Wilkinson.
So, we've got Nora Batty curious about my other woman.
Nora Batty is more curious than that.
We should build on it -
see how nosey she gets.
I don't think there are any limits.
They could nose for England round here.
Suppose she caught a glimpse of this woman coming to my house? Yeah.
And suppose you couldn't get this woman out again?
You remember what happened to Charlie Bradlaw!
Well, yes, but he was half Mexican.
He came from Norfolk.
Close enough.
Anyway, he used to play the piano.
The ladies go for those types.
Alvin'll be fine.
He's totally unattractive.
Have you finished?
It won't be a real woman.
And have you some unreal woman in mind?
Depends which of you looks best in a frock.
I was wondering, Miss Davenport, what do you do in your spare time?
It's very kind of you, Barry, but you're a happily married man and I feel I must decline.
Don't think I'm not grateful for the offer.
Actually, I was just hoping for some ideas on what I might take up as a hobby if I have to give up golf.
Oh! Nicely done, Barry.
I like a man who knows how to recover.
Trust me. I'm a librarian.
Discretion is our watchword.
Our little secret is safe with me.
Secret? That you're attracted to me.
Oh, if only it were not forbidden.
But we must be strong, Barry.
Strong?
Maybe that's it. Have you got anything on body-building?
Oh, dear, don't develop enormous muscles just for me.
They'd only be redundant.
Wow...
is it that time already?
You're leaving? Yes.
Perhaps it's best.
Our secret, Barry.
'Do not move.
'These premises are electrified.
'Stay behind the white line.'
Call me cynical, but I don't believe they're electrified.
She'd never run up such a bill.
Is the door electrified?
Shall we ever get out?
Out? You've only just come in.
Well, I'm missing outside already.
Where's your pride, man? Be a good loser.
We haven't lost anything yet.
Give it time.
Now, what can I assist you with?
Though I must warn you there are no reductions for groups.
What have you got in women's clothing?
Well, there's me for a start.
But I'm reserved.
Reserved for who? For Mr Right, when he comes along.
Well, that'll be a treat for somebody(!)
And what will he look like, Mr Right, do you think?
Worried.
I'll know him when I see him.
Tha's left it a bit late.
That's because I've never met anyone as fascinating as my one true love...
MEN: Aw-w-w...
..money.
Now, how much can I rid you of?
Don't look at me. It's Billy's idea.
And he's an idiot, which will give you some idea.
A bloke has to start somewhere.
Idiot seemed as good a place as any.
We need something cheap in a frock.
There used to be plenty, but now they wear jeans.
We need the frock, just the frock.
We'll fill it ourselves. I see.
A takeaway, is it?
What size?
Flexible. We haven't decided yet who's going to be wearing it.
And who do you think might be this lucky person?
ALL: Him!
Well? It's in.
"Golden Boy, Cutey Pie will be at the Monkey
"tonight at seven."
Oh, I hope it's him.
I'll give him more Cutey Pie than he can handle.
You're coming with me. What'll I tell Travis?
Tell him you're helping a friend out.
I'll make sure he changes his library books.
If he's got plenty to read, he's not so bad.
Supposing it turns out to be some stranger? Stranger than Howard?
That's going some!
Don't worry - he won't know us.
Why not? We'll change our appearance a bit.
Good idea.
I don't want to get involved with some stranger.
If he's not a toy boy he'll be at that age where all they're looking for is first aid and feeding.
You mean there's more?
There's no sign of Nora.
A situation I'd normally be inclined to leave alone.
When she hears the door she'll soon be at the window.
She mustn't see too close, just a glimpse.
Just a glimpse is TOO close from where I'm standing.
You look divine, Billy.
We were all remarking.
I look a pillock, is how I look.
Steady on. You're speaking of the woman Nora thinks is mine.
I'm just glad our Robin's not alive to see this.
Me, Keeper of the Flame!
I think your wick needs adjusting.
There's DNA behind this brassiere that belonged to Robin Hood.
Robin Hood wore a bra?
Not many people know that.
SWITCHES VACUUM OFF
Barry, it's a waste of your time off if you're just going to sit around the house all day.
Hello.
Come in, number 22.
I'm speaking to you, Barry.
Oh, yeah...thanks.
You're on auto pilot, Barry.
Will you please land and pay attention to me?
Oh, Barry! Go out and change your library book or something.
Library?
What made you say that? I'm going nowhere near the library.
It was only a suggestion.
I've stopped reading. I'm renouncing reading.
Barry, you love reading.
Not any more. It's dangerous.
Catch you later, hot potato.
The Monkey at seven!
# I'll be in my heaven at the Monkey at seven. #
What you fidgeting for?
You've been shuffling about all day.
It's these underpants.
My wife shrinks my underpants.
You mean, they've shrunk in t'wash.
No. I mean she goes out of her way to shrink my underpants.
You should buy bigger.
They were bigger. There was room for a granny flat.
She gets hold of them and turns them into stranglers.
It's a terrible way to go - slow strangulation.
Why would she deliberately shrink your underpants?
It's obviously deeply Freudian, isn't it?
I really don't want to get into that.
Sounds like you'd be better getting into that than getting into your underpants.
You see? People think it's funny.
You get no sympathy for abuse from your underpants.
Are they jockey shorts?
They are now.
Did you see that terrible-looking bird?
Now that could terminally shrink your underpants.
They just take you for granted.
You know, for a while you're Mr Magic and then...
you start coming second to the furniture.
Second's not bad if they're house-proud.
You know what really hurts?
It's that it's not even new furniture.
A girl has to adjust. The world never comes up to expectations.
How is Howard?
In relation to being swept off your feet, Howard is more your feather duster.
Sometimes one finds one has admirers in the most unexpected quarters.
It would help if a girl could be sure which of her quarters was most admired.
If you see me smiling, it will be at Miss Davenport.
I can't say I recognize the other lady.
Steady, Barry. Tha's just been where very few have trod.
Where are you going, Barry?
I can't stop.
I have to help this lady with her mortgage.
Gerr-off! I'm warning thee, Barry, I'm already spoken for.
Barry must be in a panic to snatch the first available female.
Especially when it looks like Billy.
Especially when it IS Billy.
Now what?
It's like going on a blind date.
And I never had much luck with those. That's how I met Howard.
No. No, I tell a lie.
He sort of crept up on me.
Travis was more of a sort of RSPCA job.
I rescued him from a bad owner -
his mother.
It starts out of sympathy and before you know it they're sprawling on your sofa and sleeping in your bed.
As long as they don't leave hairs.
He's very faithful.
Howard's very...
Howard.
I'll give him Golden Boy!
The thing is, I don't want him recognizing me until it's too late.
If he sees me from a distance, he'll do a runner.
Slap a bit of paint on. That should do it. Do you think so?
Oh, it's like stealth technology.
It makes the real you invisible to radar.
I've never been so embarrassed.
You should wear all this more often,
then you probably will be.
This is no kind of rig for an outlaw chief.
Chief of what?
All right, I admit, recruitment's a bit slow.
There's only me and him from Cleckheaton,
and he thinks we're doing it for the environment.
What happened to Roger of Huddersfield? His mother came and took him home.
You should have recruited his mother.
We tried, but she failed Basic Ambush.
Billy, you're the last of the Samurai.
I didn't feel like it in that frock.
Robin Hood used to wear tights.
Not with a girdle.
You were great, Billy. It did the trick.
It nearly did my head in.
I do not appreciate a drunk outside a pub offering to show me a good time.
Well, I suppose if he's free and single he's entitled to a woman.
But do you think he should be bringing them to the house?
Them? Is he running bus trips?
I've only glimpsed one, but that could be just the start.
What is she like, then, this one?
I've only seen her from the back.
I haven't seen her face...yet. Yet?
Are you expecting to see her again?
He's meeting her at the Monkey at seven.
That's a long way out.
See what I mean?
Suspicious.
I mean, how respectable can it be if he daren't be seen with it locally?
And in the meantime, if we happened to be at the Monkey at about seven?
I want to know who he's bringing home. I'm not living next door to any trollop.
Well, wouldn't you think people would mind their own business?!
TOOTS HORN
Man in big hurry catch early worm.
"Man in big hurry catch early worm"?
Where did you get that from?
Wise man from Hull teach that.
Of course, for best effect you need worm.
It's kind of you to drive us all this way, Barry.
Barry doesn't mind. ..Do you, Barry?
I don't, actually. There's safety in numbers.
Safety? What's he feeling unsafe about?
Oh, you know, just speaking generally.
Life comes up with these unexpected dangers.
He's right. I once had to change our insurance man.
You never said.
And risk people saying there's no smoke without fire?
Barry's my insurance man.
I'd never change him.
You maybe would if he jumped at you in the wash house.
What were you doing in the wash house on insurance day?
I was fighting off the insurance man, that's what I was doing.
I thought he'd gone.
He said he'd come back to look for his bulldog clip.
I thought, "Yes, mister, there's no way you're going to find it where YOU'RE looking!"
Barry thinks reading's dangerous.
He's right.
Our Ethel always had her head in a book and look what happened to her.
She had a good career.
She was very successful.
Having to get dressed up every day?
She's the only female in our family who's never known the comfort of a full-length, shapeless apron.
Inside a full-length, shapeless apron you can let yourself go a bit.
Or even a lot.
Which, I suppose, in the end is the best defence against insurance men.
Looks like a Howard-free zone.
Give him time. We're early yet.
Is he really as sneaky as this?
Trust me.
He looks suspicious.
They all look suspicious.
Who's going to come all the way out here unless they're up to something sneaky?
Whoops!
I know it's a long way, but I'm beginning to think that's the secret.
It's a secret you can keep, as far as I'm concerned.
I always think there's safety in long distance.
That gives a girl heart -
to think when she's come all this way, at least she'll be safe.
Don't worry. We'll take the shortcut.
Where's the shortcut?
WESTERN AMERICAN ACCENT: Stick with me, Honey Bun. I know this country.
I don't see any sign of your neighbour and his woman.
He said the Monkey. I distinctly heard him say the Monkey.
Are you sure it was tonight?
It must be tonight. He didn't mention any other night.
Are you sure we've got the right pub?
It was this pub.
I'm sure it was this pub.
Well, it's way past seven.
I hope we haven't wasted your time, Barry.
We weren't doing anything. I thought we're going to visit your Auntie Jessie.
I thought coming here was instead. No. We can go later.
It's time you paid a visit.
We went last year. Barry!
Looks like you're going to see your Auntie Jessie.
I wouldn't care, but she talks about her daughter all the time -
the outstanding unknown genius of Western civilization(!)
Teaches handicrafts. Barry!
Every time we go, we have to buy another hand-thrown pot.
So this is what Mother meant when she warned me. Warned you?
About men who offer to show you a shortcut.
All right!
Which one of you two beauties is Cutey Pie?
We thought you might be.
Do I look like Cutey Pie?
You could be having an off-day.
I'm his wife.
I'm Mrs Golden Boy.
Lucky him.
I was hoping the advert would bring you out into the daylight.
Although I didn't expect twins.
You know what it's like.
You get older - you need help.
My money's on you.
You look more the type.
Oh, thank you very much. I'll take that as a compliment.
At my age you're glad if anything still shows.
Where does that leave me?
You look more ferocious than flighty.
Is there a purpose to this conversation?
There is. I put the advert in.
He knows nothing about it.
I was hoping it would flush you out.
Could we enquire why?
To see if you're still interested.
If you are, I'll give you his address. You can take him.
He's got eight suits in the wardrobe. I'll throw them in too.
BARKS
Hey up, lass! Tha looks like tha's had a rough ride.
Tell me about it.
I found this young lady lost in the wilderness.
Fair enough, but did you have to drag her through it?
They'll make it up.
He should buy her little gift. Maybe new washing machine.
LOUD BARKING
There they are - look.
I told you it was this pub.
Ye Gods! Look at the state of her.
He's not started bringing that home, is he?
Maybe she has a nice personality.
In a skirt as short as that it makes you wonder where she keeps it.
Wow! It is rather short.
You just keep your mind on Auntie Jessie.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Ah, narrow squeak there, Howard.
The eagle eye of Nora Batty.
It could have been worse. There's one eye even eagler.
She's with him!